It’s my birthday and I have a list of demands, for myself mostly
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But since we’re on the subject I’d like a xylophone, leather knee-high boots from The Row, a Theory shift which sounds slightly quantum but is only a dress, and Portugal would be nice. Also I prefer platinum, and diamonds are my stone of choice, next to magic mushrooms of course
If this pink eye keeps up, and all indications are that it will, I’ve got my costume
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Jesus. Anybody had pink eye lately? It’s like your eyeball’s getting born every morning
I think I am possessed by the ghost of Rodney Dangerfield
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I was home sick and youtubed him for like eight hours yesterday. This morning, I’m still all puffy and gaggy and I just caught a glimpse of myself coughing in the bathroom mirror. The resemblance is uncanny
Why does everyone stick their tongue out in pictures or get all kissey-faced and poultry?
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That was supposed to be pouty but I’m with autocorrect on this one. Just say cheese for fuck sakes
All this thankfulness is getting out of control
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You probably can’t hear my eyes rolling, but they are, and it’s because of all the emails I’m getting from retailers telling me how thankful they are. For me
If you are as old as you feel, I am 210, and that’s rounding down
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I was a little worried about the two moons that nobody was talking about and then I went to the eye doctor who told me I have cataracts, just like your grandpa
If G is for Groovy, I am forEezing
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I think I just killed spellcheck
Don’t Tell Me To Calm Down Mother-Fucker
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That’s the title of my first country song. It’s also the lyrics. Hope you like it
Out of touch is when you turn on the Emmys and don’t know anybody
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But then you see it’s just the different hair or the different clothes and it’s shocking almost like running into an ex at the coffee shop
I’m writing a short story right now and it’s a heavy one, which makes it difficult to write anything unheavy. Just so you know
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Also, maybe you should get your affairs in order
I try to look attentive and engaged in meetings when all I am really doing is following my floaters
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That’s not really what this blog is about but it’s one of the best titles so far don’t you think?
If butterflies can migrate all the way to Lorem Ipsum, why can’t I even google anything?
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I am a freestyle speculator and pretty good at making up words, but sometimes you need the cold hard facts or you look like a fidiot
Nashville hot chicken at the Ex makes me forget everything, including not to swoon in public
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I forget about the strap on my sandals, my plot lines, the board games I donated to Value Village and might go buy back, what to do with all the peaches, the new name I’m trying to coin for Global Warming, etc., and that’s a pretty loaded little abbrev
I can’t take a good selfie. My arms aren’t long enough
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I have to actually get in the car and drive until I’m the size of a pretzel first, and then I can take a reasonable shot, but that’s a lot too Rod Serling especially when the kettle hasn’t even boiled yet
If I listened to the old adage “If you can’t say anything nice...” what would you be doing right now?
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If for every action – I think this one’s more than an adage – there is an equal and opposite reaction, does that mean you’re going to write this blog? Because me? I just can’t say anything nice today so maybe I’ll write this in CODE which isn’t, BTW, AFA
If you’re feeling thick-skinned and want to join me at the Ex today, I’m the girl flying around solo wearing the I’M WITH STUPID t-shirt
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You can’t miss me. It works even better than the Patient Zero shirt I usually wear when personal space is an issue. I may also be wearing a Jordan Baker hat, weather permitting, in which case I will be unmistakable
It’s even earlier than usual this morning, and there’s one very happy bird keeping me awake
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I think he’s counting, which encouraged me to count right along with him, but I quit long ago and although I am up now and genuinely happy he’s happy, it’s getting to the point where I think he should fuck slightly off
