I think I am possessed by the ghost of Rodney Dangerfield
I was home sick and youtubed him for like eight hours yesterday. This morning, I’m still all puffy and gaggy and I just caught a glimpse of myself coughing in the bathroom mirror. The resemblance is uncanny
And you know the thing he did with his trademark red tie? Kind of half-grab it and sort of pretend to adjust it and his neck would shimmy in a spasm-like way and his eyes would google? Same.
Dangerfield was funniest after his standup routine when he was on the couch next to Johnny – which I think is the case with all of them – but that guy could crack Johnny Carson right up and I mean that literally because Mr. Carson had to actually stand up and twirl sometimes he was laughing so hard.
My new voice is probably the property of this cold but I’ve got a pretty mean as in exceptional cackle which makes me think I might be channeling Phyllis Diller on the side.
And because of this stupid uncommon cold I have landed so successfully, I’ve been having trouble sleeping, so my daughter suggested I try some of her sleep drops which are basically liquid weed
It’s a small amber-coloured glass jar, very pharmaceutical-looking, with a delicate glass eye-dropper, and you put a couple of drops under your tongue. It is difficult to count the drops because they’re the same temperature as you and it’s dark and fuzzy and getting up to go to the bathroom to perform the task in front of the mirror is out of the question because of the way you feel and the bright lights and also Rodney’s there.
The label boasts the word SLEEP in great big letters. I think the great big letters on the label should say the opposite of sleep which is IDEAS because I got about a million of them. Including…
A rakeless and blowless (fuck off spell check) way to clear your lawn of leaves involving biodegradable nets you place side by side on the lawn and when the leaves are down you can easily roll the nets up into neat little tubes the size of those lawn bags and you’re done.
Also I invented a better method of teeth cleaning, a hair plaiting device, about a thousand Cards Against Humanity cards, a sequel to To Kill A Mockingbird, a short-cut to the GO station that may involve wire-cutters if you have a spare pair I could borrow, and a jumpsuit that changes colour overnight so I can wear it forever.
I seem to have a new ailment today. I am waiting for it to fuck off but it seems to have staying power
It’s not so much a ringing in my ear as an audio of my blood flow I think, with a sharp bell at each heart beat.