this is not my beautiful house

I can’t take a good selfie. My arms aren’t long enough

I can’t take a good selfie. My arms aren’t long enough

I have to actually get in the car and drive until I’m the size of a pretzel first, and then I can take a reasonable selfie, but that’s a lot too Rod Serling especially when the kettle hasn’t even boiled yet

I always balk in selfies as if they’re some kind of a surprise which is ridiculous I know.

And by balking I mean I sink my chin into my neck and purse my entire face so in the picture I have a flesh-halo and yet I still manage to look weirdly haughty like how Betty Davis looked in an effort to appear sane in that Hush Hush movie or maybe it was Baby Jane. And I have my glasses on, askew of course, because otherwise I don’t know where the button is and I end up on your Facebook page or worse. Also I look suspicious, annoyed, and unpleasant in general. I should have asked Asa when I had the chance how to selfie better but he’s somewhere in France I think and I don’t want to intrude just so I can improve my game.

My selfies make me look like however you think Mrs. Rochester might have looked all unhinged and swinging out of that high, high window that probably wasn’t even there which is your final, I hope, hit of Rod Serling for the day or at least the morning, if it is in fact still morning, or still even today for that matter, or still you.

Here’s the interlude during which you da da da da the Twilight Zone music while raising a single brow which as long as you don’t look in the mirror you can actually do

Point about the selfies is that nobody wants to see my neck crane these days and although I am happy about the laugh lines, I’m not crazy about the lower down ones that have begun to cross-hatch

I didn’t ask for all the pixels and high definition anyway and whoever did will regret it some day once their pores have deepened etc.

Well that was a fast weekend.

I nearly wrote this is the second morning in a row that I‘m freezing on the GO train platform but actually there were two lovely little mornings in between that were also a little coolish but we were up and out and walking exactly nowhere so quickly that I made my own breeze.

But this breeze is for real as in from the north I think and of course I am sleeveless again, but consciously so. It’s actually an act of defiance. The other early bird here is sporting a scarf if you can believe it, and my fellow commuters show up one by one in fall colours – not a bare arm in sight – and I know they’ll be the ones regretting their wardrobe choices when the train arrives back at this platform later today.

I’ll be sprinting through the parking lot, all skin and sunglasses, almost certainly in first place

I was so early today the parking lot was practically empty, which I’ve never seen before, and I guess I could have driven and been out of here in a flash tonight but whatever. Walking is good and also a nice way to chill out between work and home because let’s face it, there’s shit to do both places that isn’t great especially when you’re me and totally ignore all household responsibilities all summer long and there’s not even anything to eat except fruit and vegetables in interesting and various stages of decomposition or ripeness depending upon whether your glass is half full or not.

Grab a net and you could live off the fruit flies for a couple of weeks so lack of protein isn’t really an issue, at least not yet

Also, now’s the time to get those sandals on sale, which I did, but I’m not wearing them today and it’s not because of the weather. It’s because I worked very hard over the weekend to break them in which I know isn’t a good idea but these were nearly perfect in almost every way and they were like three hundred dollars off and it’s just the one strap that goes across my toes that’s too tight which seems like a manufacturer’s defect but is more likely a defect on my part.

Unfortunately this is the one little strap that is something in addition to leather. All the other straps are just nice soft easily stretchable leather but this one is coated in a silver-coloured substance and I think it must be steel because it has not budged.

At first I just wore them inside in case I decided to do the sensible thing and return them but I convinced myself they were loosening up. I googled how do I stretch my shoes and although it completely cracked Daisy and the cat up, I wore socks under them as instructed, which I know is in style if you’re so inclined which I am not.

Very early Saturday morning I took my first tentative steps outdoors, sans the socks of course, and I just kept on walking like Forrest Gump kept on running – because I felt like it.

But today? I’m wearing my nicely – I hope – beat-up high-tops again

I don’t know if it’s possible to give yourself a bunion, but I think that’s what I did. You can’t see it (yet?) but it feels different. It’s an inside job, maybe a loose bone or an extra one, but I’m not giving up especially now. Maybe if I give up carbs completely – including popcorn every night which I’ve noticed is giving Daisy a bit of a loose neck herself – my toes will get thin.

Have a nice week and if you see me all small and adorable – and this is the absolute very last Twilight Zoney bit – please take my selfie

Nashville hot chicken at the Ex makes me forget everything, including not to swoon in public

Nashville hot chicken at the Ex makes me forget everything, including not to swoon in public

If I listened to the old adage “If you can’t say anything nice...” what would you be doing right now?

If I listened to the old adage “If you can’t say anything nice...” what would you be doing right now?