Just came back from a walk and can’t put my glasses on to type because of a sweaty forehead but what the duck. Who feeds en!

Au contraire, motherfuckers. Top me up!

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I thought a little self-improvement might be helpful, you know, so I put the fork down, gave myself some eyebrows, put in little silver earrings, thought about brushing my hair, and went for a walk. My neighbour said I looked tired. You’ll never guess where I hid the body

This post is not about intermittent fasting although I am considering giving it a whirl between 10 at night and six in the morning starting tomorrow, which according to the latest conspiracy theory, might actually come

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People are loyal to their misquotations. After all, there’s no “i” in denial

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I have shredded wheat eyebrows, a disregard for cleanliness, no concern for what matches, a new tic, and my latest hair style is the don’t-give-a-fuck-doo which I totally invented. It’s so me!

And other cultural irrelevancies
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I think it’s nice they’re back even if they are overdoing it a little

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It’s a cinch. Just follow my lead

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I can’t remember the last time I bought one, but I remember taking it to Value Village sometime last year, tags still dangling. I think it had been twirling in my closet for at least a decade, although that’s a misleading image I gave you there because nothing actually twirls in my closet. Fuck no. Everything’s jammed together, including the seasons

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Beware. Vowels are wierd. As are cnsnnts. Put an i in pens and you get something else entirely. Take an o from poop and it only goes pop which reminds me of that here I sit broken hearted little shitty and it was spellcheck’s idea to call it that btw. And substituting a consonant for a vowel is another hot one which also has nothing to do with what I’m talking about toddy

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The biggest irony of all is that perfectionists are imperfect and if that doesn’t completely upend them I have some other suggestions that might

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Procrastination, like consequence, seems like a bad word. But the upside of procrastination is self-care and the upside of consequence is results. So there. And there

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Do you remember when Captain Kirk said “everything I say is a lie”? That was my first mind-fuck moment. Super-vision is the most recent. I feel like I just woke up from a coma

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And to that I would like to add the following: We have decreasing ocular ability so that we will not die of mirrors

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Everybody said cataract surgery would be a cinch and it was, I guess, but holy shit

[ short, thankfully ]
So it’s Fruit Friday which is a thing not only because of the alliteration, which I like, but also because the next day my farts sound like Chewbacca and it’s nice to be at home so I can, you know, LOL

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Always fun to read other people’s letters, isn’t it, even letters that didn’t get sent because sometimes what you see on facebook at 3am isn’t what’s actually there. So, like, fuck

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This one’s about Radiohead, Elton John, and Tom Waits. Also the Oxford comma, transpositions and inconsistencies

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The guy has major influence and he’s speaking to a room full of other major influencers and here’s what he said instead of going all Greta which he totally should have. “If you get the opportunity to be kind tomorrow, take it.” I mean Holy Fucking Moly Brad. Haven’t you heard? Tomorrow never comes