I weighed myself just now and I want a recount
Also my age. This counting must stop immediately
Synonyms for Nervous
It’s Election Day. My teeth are on edge and I have bats instead of butterflies, a brand new twitch, bouts of Tourette’s, and the aura that precedes a bender
Know any Supervillains who can cook?
Because I hear there’s an opening at the Whitehouse.
JOB DESCRIPTION HERE
The Zombies’ She’s Not There is about Me
Well no one told me I could turn off the video
If agnostic means passively not giving a shit, I’ve found my verb (unless it’s my adjective or maybe my noun)
These are a few of my indifferent things: daylight savings, tofu, horoscopes, George Clooney, commas, cacti, and changing seasons, mostly anyway
My idea of recklessness has gone downhill – recklessly
Today I am switching tenses in a story and I feel brave, daring, and reckless as I drag my characters, screaming, out of the past and into the present. So you can see what has become of me, motherfuckers, me who used to say yes! to everything, cross my fingers as a preventative measure, fall in love and never fall out
What does “phenomenal patient” even mean?
It’s an invalid adjective, and although it writhed out of the doctor’s mouth, we all know from whence it came
How to October
Well that was a pretty fly summer wasn’t it?
I have one nerve left and I’m on it
As in sitting on it
I Just Inhaled A Grasshopper
Those of you who have been out on a rip with me are probably rolling your eyes and saying what fucking else is new but NO! I mean the insect kind. I have never eaten a shoe, but I imagine the sensations are similar
Yoga for Bourbon
That’s a spellcheck dig. It’s supposed to say Yoga for Beginners because although I have performed the downward dog once or twice, it was either over a porcelain bus or someone*, rather than a yoga mat as per you
Challenge accepted, motherfuckers. And sorry I missed your call
Women on Instagram are posting their most flattering selfies and calling it an empowerment challenge. Holyfuckingshit. I just threw my phone into the lake
The “quarantine fifteen” everybody says don’t worry about is in kg, right? Asking for a fiend
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Oh boy. Look out. Spellcheck’s on today that’s fart sure and I’m just gonna do the streak of concussion thing and see what hiballs
There appears to have been a struggle
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This could apply to any or all parts of my life including my latest attempt at decluttering, my self-inflicted hair cut, my imaginary roller-skating debut, and/or writing this blog
VooDoo for Children
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I think the Quick Brown Fox sentence from 1885 could use a refresh, so I’m practicing by using 10-point Scrabble letters a little morque. Also trying out catchy, misleading blog titlesx
People are naming their babies Corona and I have alternatives for their dumb asses
How about Bubonic? Abscess? Boil? Fever? Or maybe Madcow? Which reminds me of a joke…
