[ short, thankfully ]
So it’s Fruit Friday which is a thing not only because of the alliteration, which I like, but also because the next day my farts sound like Chewbacca and it’s nice to be at home so I can, you know, LOL

[ 2 minute read ]
Always fun to read other people’s letters, isn’t it, even letters that didn’t get sent because sometimes what you see on facebook at 3am isn’t what’s actually there. So, like, fuck

[ 2 minute read ]
This one’s about Radiohead, Elton John, and Tom Waits. Also the Oxford comma, transpositions and inconsistencies

[ 2 minute read ]

The guy has major influence and he’s speaking to a room full of other major influencers and here’s what he said instead of going all Greta which he totally should have. “If you get the opportunity to be kind tomorrow, take it.” I mean Holy Fucking Moly Brad. Haven’t you heard? Tomorrow never comes

[ 2 minute read ]
So along with this rosacea bout, I have a light but lively body itch, a ringing in my ears, some localized swelling, an eye-rolling problem, and a grudge. How’s YOUR new year going?

[ 2 minute read ]
It’s the most wonderful time of the year, motherfuckers

[ short & sweet ]
Fuck off cookies

[ about a minute ]
But it doesn’t seem to be contagious. Not in the least. Also. What the fuck does coarse oatmeal look like?

[ less than a minute ]
I am also using my hands, just to clarify

[ 2 minute read ]
What’s he wearing, for instance, and how do I get his job? Here’s my CV: It’s Wednesday but it feels like Friday, I feel like a piece of lemon meringue pie, it feels a lot earlier than 5, and I feel funny in this shirt. So, like, when do I start?

[ one minute if you read slow ]
Okay so I just practically broke into a run on my way home from the gym – but I didn’t – because it might have looked even worse

[ 2 minute read ]
That may sound like a glass half full kind of thing when it’s actually just the way it goes after an eye appointment. What’s a glass half full thing is when you listen to your endorphins when they cheer you on in the totally wrong direction, the little fuckers

This is only a few sentences and then a surprise ending but it’s weirder than most and I’m not saying another word

[ 2 minute read ]
So if you come into my kitchen and it’s half-painted and the cupboards are hanging open and where’s all the dishes and Daisy has grated parmesan on her back and she’s wearing my glasses and the cat’s balancing on piles of there’s all the dishes trying to suck water from the tap, and the fish are mouthing help, and there’s only apples, you know I’m in a good place

[ 2 minute read ]
For those of you on a different meridian, if that’s even a thing, this is our first real snow and it’s cold and dangerous and wonderful. Snow, like water, is a great equalizer. Unless you got spikes that is

[ 2 minute read ]
Some parents are calling their babies theybies – and autocorrect – I feel you. Also, made up words have to be funny-on-purpose, asshat

[ 2 minute read ]
I know it’s weird and raw and rude and unkempt but slow down motherfuckers, it’s just for fun

I don’t know about you, but I need a little more space between songs, especially when it’s Tom Waits. I get swallowed whole listening to songs like Tom Traubert’s Blues and then comes Burma-Shave right on his heels. I’m telling you, Matilda, I need more than a few seconds between explosions

[ 2 minute read ]
You can keep the iffy days when the forecast is scary but the morning sky’s a little slow on the uptake and I get dressed, one eye on the sky, and finally make it out the door still looking up. Soon as I get to work, everything changes and by three o’clock I’m stuck at Union Station still looking up, and there’s no line at Uncle Tetsu’s Cheesecake. Like yesterday. And fuck off spellcheck