this is not my beautiful house

#15 / Thank you for your divided attention

#15 / Thank you for your divided attention

Although I was a fan of hers, I don’t know how Nora Ephron popped up on my Facebook feed rather suddenly and all together too early this morning. But there she was, or there were her words anyway, which said that if you want people to read your writing, you need to get them to care about what you think. I don’t care what anyone thinks that early, so although there were nine more writing tips just a click away, I scrolled on.

Unpopular as they are, I like mornings, even when they’re Mondays

I am up with the birds as always. Daisy’s flat on her stomach peering under the fence into the neighbour’s backyard, waiting for the single-file of little raccoons that follow their great big mother back home to bed. By the time ever-patient Daisy upends the neat little procession, I’m on my second coffee, wide awake to put it mildly, typing a million words a minute, lol-ing, and the silent, respectful phase has passed. At this point, I am of the mind that everyone should be up, and I’m not the only one who feels this way. Daisy catches my eye before letting loose her short but powerful high-pitched crazy-dog bark that is also part raucous laughter, which only I can detect, because I have lived with her for so long and because it takes one to know one.

I know Mondays signify the end of freedom and it’s off to work we go, but something happened at work on Friday, and I missed the whole damn thing because I skipped out early hi ho. Good thing my informant called and told me all about it. I’ve been hypothetically arguing all weekend long because I was involved in this issue, and will very likely have to defend some of my actions regarding the project, which was a 30-second TV commercial for which I wrote the script and developed the storyboards.

Of course I win all hypothetical arguments, and I win them with style and grace. I am like Atticus Finch – riveting, irrefutably correct, dashing – and firm yet forgiving in the end. Also the above-the-glasses glare

In this hypothetical situation I am wearing the Raspberry-Sherbet jumpsuit to great effect. (ditched the hat as per advice). I firmly believe that while wearing said jumpsuit, any potential for blame or ill-feeling is revoked or negated, whichever word is correct under the circumstances.

After all, who ever said the girl in the jumpsuit did it, in the library, with a rope. Nobody, that’s who

I just hope I can get to work on time which, if you could see me now, you would agree is no laughing matter. Punctuality, I hope, will make up for skipping out early on Friday. Hi ho.

I made the train, with a few seconds to spare, got a seat, and now, after looking around, I have a question: Why is everyone on this entire train pretending it’s fall?

There are several puffy jackets, actual wool coats with zippers done all the way up, runny noses, leather boots, and also a weird friendly vibe is on board, which I haven’t experienced since post Ontario Place Forum concerts back in high school. People seem to be bonding over the misery of inclement weather, and they catch one another’s eye and share wry smiles, little eye-rolls, and hapless shrugs.

I myself am entirely excluded from this

As often is the case, I am the opposite. I am dressed for the calendar rather than the weather, thanks to a recent shopping spree

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But back to the issue at work, which it turns out became a non-issue over the weekend because nothing has been said, alluded to, or grumbled about.

Except for some middle children I know, most people don’t like confrontation, and I think everybody here at work is either the youngest, the oldest, or an only child

Now back to Nora Ephron except I can’t find the post. I know Facebook is in some pretty hot water these days, and I wonder if anybody’s grilled them about disappearing posts because articles I just saw and ignored this morning are nowhere to be found. Is this normal? Is this because I am using the damn thing incorrectly? Is there something I should know? Are these questions annoying you?

In lieu of Nora, which might become the title of my next blog, here are the ways I get people to read what I write:

  1. Guilt

  2. Blackmail

  3. Promises (false)

  4. Flattery (ditto)

  5. Alcohol

  6. Dinner

  7. Brute force

  8. Misleading headlines

  9. Very approximate reading times

  10. Over-the-top gratitude…

Thanks so very much for reading!

#16 / My shopping behaviour is either whimsical, or a result of the malt whiskey which has been in my system since birth

#16 / My shopping behaviour is either whimsical, or a result of the malt whiskey which has been in my system since birth

#14 / Public transit foes and fumbles

#14 / Public transit foes and fumbles