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All in FEELING FUNNY
Only two more days to get all the badassery out of your system before you get a whole new slate
[ 2 minute read ]
It’s the most wonderful time of the year, motherfuckers
My plot is thickening nicely, as is the rest of me
[ short & sweet ]
Fuck off cookies
I have an inflamed sense of punctuation, a case of all caps, and acute apostrophobia
[ about a minute ]
But it doesn’t seem to be contagious. Not in the least. Also. What the fuck does coarse oatmeal look like?
I am typing with one eye today
[ less than a minute ]
I am also using my hands, just to clarify
It’s -7 out there, 5am on a Wednesday, and the weather guy just said it FEELS like -29. I have questions
[ 2 minute read ]
What’s he wearing, for instance, and how do I get his job? Here’s my CV: It’s Wednesday but it feels like Friday, I feel like a piece of lemon meringue pie, it feels a lot earlier than 5, and I feel funny in this shirt. So, like, when do I start?
About this morning…
[ one minute if you read slow ]
Okay so I just practically broke into a run on my way home from the gym – but I didn’t – because it might have looked even worse
The sunny side of the street is both sides, baby
[ 2 minute read ]
That may sound like a glass half full kind of thing when it’s actually just the way it goes after an eye appointment. What’s a glass half full thing is when you listen to your endorphins when they cheer you on in the totally wrong direction, the little fuckers
Please pass your eyebrow pencil
This is only a few sentences and then a surprise ending but it’s weirder than most and I’m not saying another word
The cleaner my house, the messier my mind
[ 2 minute read ]
So if you come into my kitchen and it’s half-painted and the cupboards are hanging open and where’s all the dishes and Daisy has grated parmesan on her back and she’s wearing my glasses and the cat’s balancing on piles of there’s all the dishes trying to suck water from the tap, and the fish are mouthing help, and there’s only apples, you know I’m in a good place
I am scrolling with my forehead today and opening doors with my face
[ 2 minute read ]
For those of you on a different meridian, if that’s even a thing, this is our first real snow and it’s cold and dangerous and wonderful. Snow, like water, is a great equalizer. Unless you got spikes that is
Okay so I might have to be a hermit now
[ 2 minute read ]
Some parents are calling their babies theybies – and autocorrect – I feel you. Also, made up words have to be funny-on-purpose, asshat
I write this blog wrecklessly – have you noticed?
[ 2 minute read ]
I know it’s weird and raw and rude and unkempt but slow down motherfuckers, it’s just for fun
It just takes a few notes, sometimes only one lingering one, and move over Pavlov, I think I’m gonna drool
I don’t know about you, but I need a little more space between songs, especially when it’s Tom Waits. I get swallowed whole listening to songs like Tom Traubert’s Blues and then comes Burma-Shave right on his heels. I’m telling you, Matilda, I need more than a few seconds between explosions
I love snow and it’s mostly because it fills me with hope for a full-on nobody-goes-anywhere Snow Day
[ 2 minute read ]
You can keep the iffy days when the forecast is scary but the morning sky’s a little slow on the uptake and I get dressed, one eye on the sky, and finally make it out the door still looking up. Soon as I get to work, everything changes and by three o’clock I’m stuck at Union Station still looking up, and there’s no line at Uncle Tetsu’s Cheesecake. Like yesterday. And fuck off spellcheck
I am reading The Great Gatsby again. Please pass me my eyelashes
[ 1 minute read ]
I am uncertain about semi-colons, instapots, James Franco, kimchi, CBD oil, the Oxford comma, and sausages – but every time I read Gatsby – I am certain that hope is everything. Just careful the wagon you hitch it to
It’s my birthday and I have a list of demands, for myself mostly
[ 2 minute read ]
But since we’re on the subject I’d like a xylophone, leather knee-high boots from The Row, a Theory shift which sounds slightly quantum but is only a dress, and Portugal would be nice. Also I prefer platinum, and diamonds are my stone of choice, next to magic mushrooms of course
If this pink eye keeps up, and all indications are that it will, I’ve got my costume
[ 2 minute read ]
Jesus. Anybody had pink eye lately? It’s like your eyeball’s getting born every morning
I think I am possessed by the ghost of Rodney Dangerfield
[ 2 minute read ]
I was home sick and youtubed him for like eight hours yesterday. This morning, I’m still all puffy and gaggy and I just caught a glimpse of myself coughing in the bathroom mirror. The resemblance is uncanny
