this is not my beautiful house

I think I sprained my eyes last night

I think I sprained my eyes last night

Do you remember when you used to make faces and your mom said if you didn’t stop, your face would stay that way?

Well maybe it finally caught up with me because I’ve noticed lately that I’m a bit googley-eyed (fuck off spellcheck)

I put my mother’s warnings about the face thing in the propaganda pile along with what happens when you talk too much at school, lie about your homework, and read exactly half a Nancy Drew every night when you’re supposed to be sleeping.

But now I’m beginning to think she was right because my face looks like I’m making a face

Maybe it’s the breathing thing because let me tell you I feel like a gargoyle sometimes. It’s kind of like when all your clothes are too tight – even your socks – only worse.

So it’s really no wonder I’m intolerant.

I spent the evening last night in emergency just to make sure I wouldn’t die in my sleep and it turns out, after a series of tests, that I am in excellent health. Just a little note to all the complaining people in the ER last night. What the hell. Especially that lady who told everybody that she should have been sent home hours ago but what with waiting for all the test results she was stuck and apparently conversation-starved and starved in general I guess because you should have seen the way she shovelled in those cheesies, but pretty soon we all learned they’d found a blood clot in her leg which you’d think would shut her up but you’d be wrong.

There were other complainers, too, and nods of mutual misery, glances at the clock, and eye rolls. But I was happy to be there and in such good hands.

Four hours didn’t seem like much of an inconvenience especially considering, you know, the alternative which was to be at home gargoyling (fuck off spellcheck)

That’s when I started thinking about how making faces might stick your face that way – and I wondered and still wonder about all those complaining people – the glass half-empty types as well as the more severe ones who can’t even see the glass.

Do you think they got stuck that way after too much practice?

Today I took my clean bill of health to an osteopath who I might end up adopting. As in, you know, adopting. He was wonderful and gave me his take on the problem pretty quickly and immediately set to working on it and now, after a quick visit with my sister and her torn ligaments, I’m back home and feeling pretty good. Let’s hope it lasts.

Now. About spraining my eyes last night

My daughter the blacksmith picked me up from emergency and we jostled to the drive-thru in her pick-up truck and she said, oh that looks good about something way up high on the menu board and since I was in the passenger’s seat I had to lean over, swoop down and look up, and that’s when I sprained my eyes. I never did see what she was talking about but they were sold out of pretty much everything anyway and we went home for some cold chicken instead, which was just right, partially because there’s something in cold chicken – and it has to be cold and you have to eat it just before bed – that gives you the most vivid, weirdest, and wonderful dreams, known in our house as “chicken dreams”.

And we love chicken dreams, especially when there’s nothing on Netflix

I was swinging in the hammock intermittently this past Canada Day long weekend, and by intermittently I mean between trips to the fridge and the washroom. I wish I could say I did a lot of reading but when you’re in a hammock, especially when it’s hanging in a beautiful well-treed place and the birds are brave and the sky is a moving picture, I always end up placing the book on my chest and day dreaming. Especially when the hammock is a double-sized bright red one made of thin nylon and you can sink right in and gather the sides and use them as covers and you can even cover your face and watch all the moving shadows in a beautiful bright and buzzy orange light.

But then the slug happened

At least I think it was a slug, which is really more of a reptile, and it was very close to my eyeball as in nearly in it, and it made me spring from the hammock with grunty gusto and everything flew everywhere.

So now I can read minds

So now I can read minds

Bodysuits don’t come with instructions, so please consider this a Public Service Announcement

Bodysuits don’t come with instructions, so please consider this a Public Service Announcement