this is not my beautiful house

#12 / I am very sorry for my recent behaviour almost constantly

#12 / I am very sorry for my recent behaviour almost constantly

Like right now. I’m sorry I made that headline because I’ve got other ideas already

But I am sorry in a brief and obligatory way only. My heart’s not in it. There’s really nothing much in my very recent behaviour to be sorry about anyway, except the cashews, and that’s good fat I am told, whatever that means.

It’s Friday and it’s warm and I have new sunglasses and a nice sleeveless turtleneck, which is wearable maybe two days a year, and I hope this is one of them

I don’t know about you but the minute I get to work on a Friday – and it’s usually later than the other days I’m late except Monday or Tuesday and either Wednesday or Thursday – I start planning my escape soon as I’m in the door or slightly before. These plans are sensational and elaborate. Long lost relations can pop up at any time, friends arrive without a moment’s notice, strangers intervene, trees are felled, floods pending, and a myriad of other fantastic situations that clearly, only I can control.

Also, there are sudden and severe tooth-aches, near-bankruptcy, shoe sales, and countless scenarios in which Daisy is in varying degrees of peril, as if she’s Lassie or something, which isn’t even close.

Practically everything teeters on the brink of disaster and unless these situations get my immediate and full attention, you never know what might happen.

Many of these scenarios are based on pure and sometimes illicit fantasy, where I – strong, svelte, accented and mysterious – swoop in and save the day

I don’t know if it’s cause for alarm, at least at this point because it’s too early to contemplate escape – even for me – but the CNTower looked slightly askew this morning. Perhaps it was happening exclusively in the edges of my new progressives, which give everything a bit of a twirl and can be pretty shocking, especially when operating a motor vehicle, a grocery cart, or nothing at all. Also spiders that either aren’t really that big or aren’t even there.

A spider just happened, for real, and my heart is still pounding because it was big and huge and awfully pale. It is now mashed into the wall. This is the truth but I understand and do not hold it against you very much if you don’t believe me.

After all, I lie for a living. So a couple more on a Friday during a bout of clement weather and nicely crowded patios seems reasonable

I find emails a handy way to notify my employer of these cliff-hangy situations, although I have trouble with the subject line, which I try to make engaging, like these which I will use on Fridays throughout the summer months.

  1. You’ll never guess…

  2. You won’t believe this but…

  3. Happy Friday!

  4. I have to leave

  5. I had to leave

  6. I will be leaving

  7. Just left

  8. :)

  9. :(

  10. See you Monday

I can’t relate to some things that seem a cinch to others, but there are signs that I can relate to in a full and meaningful way. Some day this topic will no doubt be a list, but here are two that happened in rapid succession only yesterday.

On the skinny little road leading to our fave hiking path, which we call The Lord of the Rings Trail, there is a sign that says NO WINTER MAINTENANCE. Same.

Also I was stuck behind a City of Toronto work crew, and the sign on the back of the truck said FREQUENT STOPS which got me thinking. It certainly does. Frequent becomes less and less until it finally stops, but sometimes your septum gives out first.

There are lots of stupid signs that are pretty funny, some are the result of simple spelling mistakes, or even lack of punctuation. People post them all the time and I could easily list them here for your enjoyment but I won’t. This blog is for my own made-up things, although I know from past experience (and how!) that these things aren’t enjoyed by all. Just ask Daisy.

But I hope this little sign – which has been hanging on my front door for so long that the cats mentioned aren’t the ones I have now – makes you cackle.

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Have a lovely weekend everyone and thanks for reading!

#13 / Once again the old saying “there’s one in every crowd” means exactly me

#13 / Once again the old saying “there’s one in every crowd” means exactly me

Imagine the questions to these Jeopardy answers (or vice-versa)

Imagine the questions to these Jeopardy answers (or vice-versa)